03-02-21

Ate too much food for lunch today, took a nap to recover. Took a walk with Quentin out in the woods in the dark. I have never been to the forest in the dark before. It was so strange walking along the paths with the trees illuminated in flashlight - they looked like bones - and without all the little birds chattering. We stood silently in the wetland and looked for bats.

Quentin asked me if I had a favorite place in the world. I described a temple in Ubud. I asked him, and he described a beach a mile away.

03-03-21

Wrote a poem

03-05-21

Took a good long walk today

Wrote 03-05 while on it.

Feeling existentially insecure and depressed like my bones are in a vice. I wish I could show up for my community like a white person could. But I'm not, and so I never will be able to. I know that the first person I need to liberate and protect is myself... and the way I do that isn't sexy at all: stay in school, eat a few times a day, drink water sometimes, take my meds, go to therapy. When I let myself be dying things were so much more dynamic. But if I want to live long enough to create holistic, lasting change, then I have to live well enough to get by day to day. that's it, that's the manifesto

03-08-21

Everything to me is One Way or The Other. The two ways I feel about people are Undying Love or Permanent Antagonizing unless I really watch myself. Same about places, either Permanent Connection or Immediate Complete Severance. And the change can be quick in both directions. I have intense mood and opinion swings (luckily not politically, fuck) that last for day-long hours or hour-long days.

I have no idea how to even accept this if it's true. I don't even feel like a person most of the time.

03-18-21

Been super busy with finals for classes. I just have one left - this damn project proposal. We're going to (hopefully) compare removal efficiency of PAHs and PCBs by Activated Carbon in sediments. What a mess it is to try and coordinate in just a few days, though.

I got my first COVID vaccine today! I feel very gross but very happy. I used to work at the testing lab, and I've held samples of COVID like a fragile, dead bird and like a moldy piece of fruit all at the same time. I will write a ten minute play about COVID and dead birds and post it here sometime.

4-27-21

I feel like I walked into the lab on the 19th and left this morning. Oops.

I'm learning a lot about burnout, but too late to change my workload. But I'm also learning a lot about anticipating the end of my time in academia, and the life I might have after.

9-5-21

I walked into the woods on the 24th of June, and left on the 6th of August. I have learned:

I do not want to be a scientist,

I do not want to be the center of anything,

I want to feel like a part of something,

I want to be wanted regardless of my contribution,

but I'm probably all alone.

I'm seeking apprenticeship in herbalism. Started new journal log.

vinegar miso recipe. do not lose

recipe review with prep tips.

I've recently moved back in with my father. poor guy, being my dad kind of sucks. i've developed a mean streak since moving away from 24/7 traumatown. but one thing is strange and wonderful: I have never lived anywhere this safe to say I am Jewish. It's probably not safe here too (it never is) but i FEEL safer and can feel safer and still be just as careful happily. It is Rosh Hashanah tomorrow. Happy new year, happy new year, happy new year!