3-5-21

community forest (live journal)

I've always been scared of the way trees sway in the wind, so I guess today I combat that. I'm sitting underneath the sturdiest, oldest tree that I know is here. It will protect me with its stature and canopy. The wind rustles and howls, I ask if it's thunder but I don't think it's loud enough.

I go to the woods alone when I feel lonely. Why is that? Maybe if I must be isolated I would like to create the conditions.

Screeching bird. Is that the hawk whose feathers I've seen?

The wind is cold, I should have bundled better.

Took some twisted bark form the ground and curled it around my pen. There are hemlock twigs near me but I see no hemlock (maybe it's behind me)

it was fir

Between gusts of wind I hear the little birds complaining (or maybe making fun of me complaining).

There are pinecone scales strewn about everywhere - did they fall apart, or did the squirrels get them? Something loose tied way up on a tree flutters in the wind. Wind is getting worse... maybe I should go? What is it, fir or hemlock, with the little mice sticking out from under the cone scales? Cedar? Wow, I'm out of practice.

fir

Well, impostor syndrome is hitting. I feel bad for sitting and not walking. The wind really leeches heat - I feel warm between gusts.

FINALLY, THE SUN!

Oh damn, never seen this before: Pinecone "spine" with most of the scales gone. The spine is so solid and only barely flexible. Little rigid shelves where scales used to be. The top of the spine still has compacted scales on it. It looks like a rose.

Sun's gone. The wind knocked the cedar leaf? I had on my thigh, which feels cold now. Holy crap, cedar conducts heat well, I put it back and it's warmer again.

Am I doing this right? Face in my notes? I don't think so.

Between gusts - so quiet. Birds reawaken one by one. I hear the next gust come through long before I see or feel it.

I remember hiking with someone and seeing them scale a tree. I can't imagine myself with that strength or the guts. I think I still love them a little. not romantically. Just loving. This time last year they described to me a fear that I wouldn't understand until now. Then we hiked when the fear was coming - did they know? Did they climb the tree to make me laugh, to stave off the nightmare just a little longer? When I was vulnerable they were warm, not indoctrinating. I miss them, I wish I could tell them more and get a hug. But there are things we cannot say and things I certainly cannot ask for. I may do the stupid thing and refuse to leave our friendship behind.

The sun is back